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Thursday, January 19, 2012

Selling My Books on the Streets of Brooklyn 1/19

I sold a Nancy Drew mystery to a collector today. Before she committed, she opened it to make sure it was not rewritten into more modern prose. She also wondered if the racist aspects had been expunged. "Wouldn't surprise me," I said. Only hip hop artists are allowed to profit from them with near impunity these days. Thanks, ma'am, and also to Cabbie, who pulled his hack to the curb and bought three thrillers, and to the lady who bought two cookbooks, and to the Russian gentleman who purchased a book written in his native tongue, and to the young man who bought the DVD of Fritz Lang's silent classic, Metropolis (1927). As much as I love movies, I have a hard time with silents, which some say are the purest form of cinema. They put me to sleep. Life is full of "sound and fury," as Shakespeare said in The Tragedy of Macbeth, and I want to hear it in film.
Here's a fun email a female friend sent me:
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors & the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor,
but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!  

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: 
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs 
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:  
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' 
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.  

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. 
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: 
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: 

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

 Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.  
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex & have money & like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Read Vic's stories, free:

http://members.tripod.com/vic_fortezza/Literature/

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