The floating bookshop was closed today as I accompanied a friend to the doctor. Meanwhile, this comes courtesy of an old Exchange buddy, Joey Fork Tongue. Thanks, goombah.
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space.
Understandably he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not
wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered
everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the
mental hospital telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to
bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds
received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries
the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head
to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter
and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer the man pulled
a gun and asked for all the cash in the register which the clerk promptly provided.
The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter.
The total amount of cash he got from the drawer - $15.
[If someone points a gun at you and gives you money is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd
just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window,
grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and
heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back
and hit the would-be thief on the head knocking him unconscious.
The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk immediately called 911
and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back
to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID.
To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash.
The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register
without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings,
the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The frustrated man walked away.
[A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked
on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for.
Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home
near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying
to steal gasoline but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage
tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying
that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family
unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend.
In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain distant.
Read Vic's stories, free:
http://members.tripod.com/vic_fortezza/Literature/
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