I've been dreaming of a certain someone quite a bit lately - the one that got away, I guess, who I haven't seen since October 2007. The dreams have been so pleasant, so nice to wake up to. It's like starting the day on a positive note. They have been about love, not sex. This morning's was particularly powerful. I was hugging her mom, apologizing for having married her daughter, who is 16 years younger than me. I also said I understood the way she felt and would probably feel the same way if I had a daughter in such a situation. The presence of the woman is even more fascinating in light of the fact that she died very young, that her daughter had never known her. In the dream the woman's back was turned. I did not conjure a face for her.
Later, as I was reading the newspaper, I got to wondering if my subconscious had jumped to an apology, not for that lost love, but for the fantasies I've been having about a 20-year-old amazon-like beauty who stops to chat at the floating bookshop while either on her way to or returning from classes at the New School in Manhattan, where she is majoring in philosophy. I saw her briefly yesterday. According to Freud in his Interpretation of Dreams, most dreams are triggered by an event from the day and are grounded in wish fulfillment. So I wondered if the two women had become jumbled in the code that dreams often are. There have been times, as she lingered, that I got the feeling she wanted me to ask her out. Get real, I'd tell myself; she's 40 years younger than you. Even if she was mistaken about my age by 20 years, it seemed a ridiculous idea. I thought I'd finally started looking my age, although several people have assumed my friend Arlynn, who isn't much older than me, was my mother. Anyway, my history in such situations is consistent - I'd probably talk myself into inaction, maybe even if she became as bold as many young women are these days.
No one can control fantasies. The mind never ceases to fascinate.
There was plenty of conversation today at the floating bookshop but no sales. I did get a large donation of books on knitting from a woman who said her daughter had gone on an incredible creative frenzy recently. Thanks, ma'am.
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